sad

I started crying today while I was cuddling Eleanor. I've got less than 4 weeks left of my maternity leave, and I am dreading going back to work. I don't want to leave her with someone else all day - I want to be with her! Sometimes when she fusses, I am the only one who can calm her down; she wants nothing else than to be with her Mama. When I go back to work and we aren't together for the entire day, will she still want me the same way? I am just miserable about this. I so wish we could afford to have me stay at home... or go part time, at the very least. But we cannot, and someone else is going to enjoy her smiles and coos and slurps and sighs while I am at work and missing her.

I wish there was another way. This is tearing me up inside.


Krissy

from this weekend

My two favorite people in the whole world!

Krissy

this week

Eleanor has changed so much within the last week or so. Around 5 weeks (she is 6 now), she started smiling "for real" at us, and every day she seems to be smiling at us more. It is so precious! It is easiest to get her smiling in the morning, because she is [usually] pretty pleasant. I'll (or Tim will) be talking to her in a singsong voice - usually saying something original like "Who's Mama's pretty girl?" - and she will slowly break out in to a smile. It makes me melt!

Another thing that has changed this week is that she pretty much stopped screaming at every diaper change. It's like she's finally figured out that a diaper change equals the sensation of her sitting in her own poop will soon be over, and our ears are reaping the benefits. Additionally, she's gotten much better when I dress her in the morning - although she still hates when anything gets pulled over her head. She also still screams bloody murder when we give her a bath, and I don't see that stopping anytime soon.

Finally, she finally outgrew her NB (newborn) clothes, and we've busted out the 0-3 month outfits! It's hard to believe that just a few weeks ago, we were bringing her in for weight checks to make sure she was gaining weight. She's filled out so much! Her cheeks and legs are chubbier, she's gotten longer, and she even has a cute little double chin. (If teenage Eleanor is reading this, I'm sorry that I called your double chin "cute"... it really is, though. So is your tush.)

Krissy

Our Mother's Day Blessing

Krissy and I are fortunate to have a wonderful church to be a part of. We enjoy the classes we take, the choir we sing in, the many friends we have and a place to worship. Everyday when we pray, we thank God for our family at Calvin.

However, since the birth of our beautiful girl, we haven't been there. It's not without reason, though. Taking a colicky baby to any public place poses certain risks, and we'd hate interrupt Pastor Rob's sermon with a full-volume scream. Also, we are a little paranoid as parents when it comes to germs. Our pediatrician encouraged us to avoid church for the first two months and everyone loves a baby, and they love to touch the little hands ( these are the same hands that the baby will eventually stick in his/her mouth. Yuck).

So, for Mother's Day we finally ventured out to church. I'm pleased to say that she did well. She enjoyed the music, and slept through the sermon (sorry Rob). And she met many new people after the service, sleeping through all introductions. She made Krissy so proud for Mother's Day.

This good behavior continued through the entire day, making easy parenting for both Krissy and I. This evening I held her unswaddled about six inches from my face and she was happy and giving me eye contact; just generally being a sweetheart. I. Was. Loving. It.

It reminded me of how we get so caught up being parents and catering to our daughter's every need that we so easily forget how blessed we really are. We have so few moments to admire what a miracle she is, I'm happy I'm able to appreciate those moments when they occur.

T

Everything has changed

"I was looking for someone to complete me - not anymore, dear. Everything has changed. You've made the moon our mirrorball, the streets an empty stage, the city's sirens - violins, everything has changed." --Elbow, Mirrorball

I love the song Mirrorball!



I used to listen to it a lot when I was pregnant and think of our baby, living (not to mention, constantly flipping) inside of me. Another song I'd listen to a lot was Blackbird by The Beatles - actually, Tim used to sing Blackbird to my tummy every night. Then he'd roll over and fall asleep, while Eleanor would start thumping and kicking (and usually get the hiccups) after being woken up by her daddy's singing. I didn't mind - I absolutely loved feeling her move around! When I was in the hospital, it was so weird to not feel her anymore. It was a pretty big adjustment - one adjustment of many.

Anyway, the song Mirrorball is about the morning after you've fallen in love. The man in the song is walking around and looking at the world in amazement; falling in love has transformed everything around him. I know exactly how he feels! We both have fallen in love with our little bundle of joy and look at the world with fresh eyes. And in my wildest dreams, I never could have imagined how Eleanor's birth would have changed our lives - but she has, totally and completely.

Not to say that this transformation hasn't taken some getting used to. Two days after being released from the hospital, we had to bring Eleanor back to the hospital for a breastfeeding assessment. It was our first time venturing out of the house, and to keep his girls safe Tim drove approximately 10 miles an hour the whole way there (but I may be exaggerating). After the nurse checked Eleanor's vitals, she noticed she had a dirty diaper and asked us for a diaper from our diaper bag. Uh... diaper bag? What's that? Both of us didn't even think to bring it. The nurse laughed and said we were "so cute". Yeah, we're adorable negligent parents.

Another thing that has taken some time getting used to is the whole "can't do what we want, when we want it" thing. I'm sure this is an adjustment for any new parent, but we've been married for 11 years this year, so we've had many years calling the shots. Before E, when we wanted to watch a movie (or - gasp! Go to a movie!), we did. But this week, we rented a movie (Sherlock Holmes) on Monday - and it took us 4 days to finish it, as we had to watch it in bits and pieces. Whenever we sat down to watch it, our gorgeous little girl decided that precise moment was the time to start yelling. I figured she was trying to save us from a really bad movie, but it actually ended up being pretty good. Guess she can kiss that career as a movie critic goodbye!

Our sweet girl - she's changed everything.

Krissy

Four weeks (approx.)

Four weeks. Has it really been that long? Four weeks? Or is it finally here?

Not to say that four weeks marks any particular accomplishment, after all it isn’t quite a month yet. But, in many ways, it is hard to believe I am even walking in my own shoes. To say that the full gravity of fatherhood hasn’t hit me yet is an understatement.

Now, it would be very, very easy for me to begin a rant about how little sleep I get, or how my day revolves around brief moments of silence in between long periods of crying, and all of this would be true if I weren’t hit so hard with how incredibly blessed I am.

I will try to be brief. No promises, though.

Through all of the challenges of caring for a “high need” infant I have never had difficulty of appreciating how amazing our little Eleanor is. She is beautiful. Yes, her beauty warrants its own sentence, perhaps repeating it, even with emphasis! She is beautiful. I just adore her auburn hair, gorgeous eyes and lovely (although infrequent) smile. She is worth every tiring moment.

And then there is my wife. My incredible wife, how amazed I am by you. You’ve given me ten joyous years of marriage, and now a wonderful daughter. You have always made me happy, and now you’ve made me luckier than I could have imagined. Thank you. The best is yet to come.

T (Daddy)